Gravity Falls: The Soap Opera
by MiscellaneousSoup
Summary: Okay, I lied. April Fool's Joke. Still, you liked it. This is my random soap opera for Gravity Falls! No continuity, except when I feel like it! All madness and humor! Rated T for death. Sweet, sweet death. I don't own anything. Have an excellent day! As of 5-5-14, the series has ended.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: What if all the strange events were played for drama in **_**Gravity Falls**_**? Prepare for a heart-rending deconstruction of a beloved cartoon! This is my new series! THIS...IS…**

**Gravity Falls: The Soap Opera**

**Chapter One: "I Remember It So You Don't Have To"**

Gideon squealed in delight. "Finally, the party is starting!"

Grunkle Stan stared at him in fear. "NO! I AM THE PARTY CHIEF! It's not your birthday!"

Gideon rolled his eyes. "Shut up, old man...because I AM YOUR FATHER!"

They wept and hugged, rejoicing at this family reunion.

Five minutes later…

Dipper felt hungry. "Hey, Mabel, do you think we can persuade Grunkle Stan to go to Smokey Joe's?"

Mabel looked up, an evil grin on her face. "No, Dipper...WE'RE GOING TO A MEXICAN RESTAURANT!"

Dipper screamed. "NOT! Not Taco Bell!"

Mabel shook her head. "No, silly. Arby's."

Dipper died of fear.

The next day…

Grunkle Stan grumped around the Shack. "Kids! If you don't give me back my Stan Bucks right now, I'm going to take this potato chip...AND EAT IT!"

Gideon gasped. "No, please! It's rotten!"

Patrick nodded. "Yup. It's as bad as the Nasty Patty."

Grunkle Stan immediately grabbed one of his guns and shot him in the head. "Get out! This is _Gravity Falls_, not _Spongebob Notgoodanymorepants_! Those Kid's Choice Awards were a scam!"

Waddles grunted and started eating Patrick's corpse. "Yum. Tastes like the cold stench of death."

Spongebob started to cry, before also being shot. Bill Cipher appeared, only to start using the bloody sponge as a toothpick.

Grunkle Stan's eyes misted up. "Stanford...Is that you?"

Bill Cipher nodded. "Yes, Stanley. I MISSED YOU, BROTHER!"

They hugged.

**THE END**

_Next Time…_

Zach chuckled. "Ah, _Dora The Explorer_! You make me laugh! And _Barney_, _Caillou_, _Teletubbies_, and _Wonder Pets_! You amuse me!"

Gideon popped up. "I'm taking over this dreck!" He slit Zach's throat with a garrote wire. "MWUAHAHAHAHA!"

Scrappy-Doo popped up and shot him. "THAT'S FOR KILLING ME OFF IN YOUR SCOOBY-DOO STORY, ZACH! Oh, wait." He stared at the twitching Gideon, shrugged, and shot him several more times. "APRIL FOOLS, JERK! PUPPY PISTOLS!"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So...YOU FELL FOR MY PRANK! At least two of you liked it. Therefore, I shall write more of this soap opera with NO continuity! Or, maybe, some continuity. It depends on what I write.**

**Gravity Falls: The Soap Opera**

**Chapter 2: "Bloodier And Gorier"**

Oswald Courier skipped merrily through the meadow. "Tra, la la! I love birds! Tra, la, la! I love flowers! Tra, la, la! I am happy!" Nearby, Grunkle Stan clenched his teeth and groaned. After several more hours of this, he couldn't take it anymore.

Crumpling up the newspaper, he grabbed Oswald by the collar. "I am trying to sleep on the bench like a homeless person! It's a scientific experiment! Be quiet!"

Oswald smirked. "I am not Oswald Courier. I...am...OSWALD COBBLEPOT! To me, my pretties!" A dozen ravenous penguins ate Grunkle Stan alive.

_That afternoon…_

Dipper's ghost sighed. "Mabel, why do you keep having to mention Arby's?"

Mabel laughed. "Dipper? Guess what?"

Dipper didn't respond.

Mabel giggled. "DENNY'S!"

Dipper's ghost died of death.

_In the forest…_

Jeff was content, relaxing in his bathtub full of squirrels. "This is the life. Say, Schmebulock. You mind handing me some food?"

Schmebulock handed him some chow.

Jeff gratefully accepted them. Munching, he lowered himself further into the tub. "These taste kind of odd, Shmeb. What are they?"

"Shmebulock." Shmebulock growled.

Jeff screamed like a goat. "WHAT? SQUIRREL BRAINS?"

Schmebulock nodded, holding up twelve decaying squirrel corpses and a large rock. Immediately, the squirrels hissed in fury and started to attack Jeff. His screams lasted for several minutes. After they were gone, the only sounds were Schmebulock giggling and the soft, soft sound of squirrels lapping up blood.

_Near the Tent O' Telepathy…_

Gideon was gleeful. He bounced around like a little woodland pixie, squealing like a gerbil stuffed with helium. "I have discovered the cure for death! Nothing can stop me now!" An alligator with a puffed-up mouth ran over and punched him in the face.

"That's for testing things out on me, twerp!" it grumbled.

**The End**

**Next Time: **

"NO!" The television ran toward Soos, carrying a robotic monkey. "NO! NO! NO! You WILL abide by my rules, Soos! Play this children's card game...OR BE FLAYED BY THE MONKEY!"

The monkey's eyes glowed red and miniature whips sprouted out of its metallic fingertips.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I do not own anything. Read and review, if you please!**

**Gravity Falls: The Soap Opera**

**Chapter 3: "Lighter And Softer"**

Dipper ate a muffin, thinking about important things. "Say, Mabel, do you think that Bill Cipher will ever return?"

Mabel stopped flipping through a scrapbook. "I'm not sure. I do have one guess, though."

"What is it?"

"You'll be seeing him sooner than you think, because...I AM BILL CIPHER!" Mabel transformed into Bill Cipher, who cackled evilly, turning the walls green with an eerie glow.

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Come on, everyone saw that coming! Can we get a better writer?"

_What do you mean?_

Dipper pointed at the still cackling demon. "If the readers know your writing style by now, then they most likely saw it coming that you're just going to have Mabel be Bill in disguise. You need to switch up your sense of humor. Make the unexpected be more unexpected."

_Okay...Just a second. I need to change the script. Um, while I rewrite something, I present this clip show of Old Man McGucket's greatest moments._

Majestically, Old Man McGucket stood on the porch step, holding up a rotten jack o' lantern. Like a president about to deliver a world-transforming speech, he took a deep breath and uttered the memetic phrase, "I'm Old Man McGuckett!" However, before he could spit the moldy pumpkin's fire out**- This has been redacted by Disney corporation. If the writer attempts to illegally copy and more stories, then we will be forced to lock him in a dungeon.**

_Darn. Okay, well I've pretty much rewritten the story. TAKE TWO, DIPPER AND MABEL! _

Dipper ate a muffin, thinking about important things. "Mabel, do you want to build a snowman?"

Mabel immediately grabbed a snowball and hit Dipper in the face. "SNOWBALL FIGHT!"

Soos ran in the room, waving a newspaper. "Hey, dudes! There's a new Disney blockbuster! It's called _Frozen _ and this is in NO WAY related to the fact that a random math class is showing _Frozen_ in class!"

Grunkle Stan tackled Soos and dragged him out of the room. "Hey, hey! NO! We do not endorse any other products besides my fine creations! This is the Mystery Shack, not the Disney Shack! Author, get some self respect!"

_Okay, fine. I was _trying_ to do something different. If you insist, the original format will return. ROLL THE STORY!_

Gideon rubbed his sore face. "Grunkle Stan sent that alligator after me! I'm sure of it! I've never tested anything on animals! Sure, there was that one death ray, but it was on a giant squid! Who likes giant squids?"

Toby Determined burst into tears. "We never get any respect!" He ran off with Gompers the Goat, Tyler, Shandra, Pacifica, Pacifica's mom, The Old Lady, and Mr. Poolcheck. All of them were wearing "We Love Giant Squids" t-shirts and had "Krakens ROCK!" t-shirts.

Grumbling, Grunkle Stan walked up to Gideon. "Come on, jerk! They host weekly meetings at the Shack! They pay me a ton just to talk about stupid things, like the minute differences between giant squid and kraken and the impending doom of all civilization due to kraken sightings in Lake Michigan!" He shoved Gideon into a random trash can and walked off.

Gideon tried to pull himself out, but ended up making the trash can fall over. Sputtering, he yanked himself out, a greasy notebook lodged in his hair. "Ah, my hair!" He carefully took the notebook out, then used 'Li'l Gideon's Patented Hair Gel (Not Safe For Small Children Or The Elderly/Middle-Aged/Teenagers)' to smooth it out.

Opening the notebook, he saw that the cover had something odd on it. It appeared to have some runes scribbled on it. Maybe it was another one of those mysterious journals! Giggling, Gideon opened the notebook, not even caring about the fuzz and bug carcasses that were splattered on it. The inside cover mentioned something about a death note. Reading further, Gideon's eyes bugged out.

"YES!" he bellowed. "I CAN KILL ANYONE! I just have to write their name down, a specific way for them to die, and imagine their face! STAN WILL FRY, DIPPER WILL BE EATEN, AND MABEL WILL FINALLY BE MY BRIDE!"

Grunkle Stan ran up and grabbed the journal. "Sorry, small fry!" He grabbed a pen and wrote Gideon's name down. Gideon died of a heart attack. "HOORAY!" he screamed in jubilation. "REJOICE, Gravity Falls, for Gideon, the little rat, is dead!"

The random citizens who had gathered around to see why Gideon and Grunkle Stan were acting like idiots were furious. Gideon was a respected entertainer in their town! Grunkle Stan's products only caused fires, deadly diseases, and pie dough monsters! They immediately grabbed pitchforks and went to kill Grunkle Stan.

**THE END**

**Next Time: **

Mickey Mouse picked up the walkie-talkie. "It's okay, Walt. The kid stopped the plagiarism. If he kept doing it, we would have had to kill him. Ha-ha!"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I am sick. So, I may not post any stories for a while. Also, this is not a daily series. I just happened to have ideas for three days in a row. Enjoy this chapter! *coughs, sneezes, feels horrible***

**Gravity Falls: The Soap Opera**

**Chapter 4: "Party In The House Tonight"**

Dipper danced and played an air guitar. Mabel drummed on a set of cardboard drums, while Waddles stood next to her in a tie-dye outfit. Soos merrily played on the keyboard. Wendy played a piccolo. Grunkle Stan stood in the audience, looking bored and holding up various signs.

_We are the Mystery Shack band_

_Shove cash into Grunkle Stan's hand_

_Buy our stuff, buy our stuff, BUY OUR STUFF!_

_We don't take no guff!_

_Soos cleans and organizes_

_Wendy runs the register!_

_Dipper and Mabel do whatever,_

_But Stan runs the business!_

_We have rocks that look like faces_

_Not faces that look like rocks!_

_Puma shirt, panther shirt,_

_JUST PICK ONE, TYLER!_

_World's most distracting object,_

_Vending machines full of stale gum_

_Dried up fake(?) mermaids_

_And the GremGoblin!_

_It'll show you your worst fear!_

_We won't pay for your hospital bills!_

_Cause...it'll...TRAUMATIZE YOU!_

_NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA_

_NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA_

_NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NANA NA NANANANNANANANA_

_NANNANANANNANANANNANAANANANANANNANANANANANNANAAN_

_**NANANANANANNANANANANA- CAN WE STOP NOW?**_

They collapsed on the ground, wheezing.

_Yeah, sure. I'm out of lyrics. I'm sick, what do you expect? Bye._

**Next Time: **_More bad songs/ The clock bongs/ Don't forget the putrid rhymes/ Death to mimes! THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I do not own anything. Also, FORMAT CHANGE! This will serve as a bit of a backdoor pilot, so to speak. If people really seem to like the stories that I post here, maybe they'll actually become a one-shot or a multi-chapter thing. At the very least, it will be longer.**

**Gravity Falls: The Soap Opera**

**Chapter 5: "This Again? REALLY, MiscellaneousSoup?"**

Grunkle Stan chewed his sandwich, reflecting on the long week that he had to endure. First there was Monday, with Dipper getting that orange rash. On Tuesday, Mabel accidentally sold his prized voodoo doll to Gideon. On Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, he kept getting mysterious injuries. Perhaps Gideon had actually gotten the thing to come to life. "Good thing it only does papercuts!" he screamed.

…

Gideon threw the voodoo doll to the ground. "Decapitation! Not papercuts! DECAPITATION!"

…

Stan chuckled. "Yeah, I know about the bugs you planted in the Mystery Shack. I ate one for breakfast and it tasted like your humiliation! HA!"

Mabel ran in the room, waving around a stack of papers. "Grunkle Stan, Grunkle Stan! Guess what?"

Stan set down the sandwich. "Yeah, kid?"

Mabel shoved the documents in his face, accidentally knocking over a ketchup bottle. "We're back! Read the news!"

Grunkle Stan scanned the papers, his eyes widening. "Really? T-this is great! I never thought this would happen! They actually like us!" Rising up from the sofa, he tore off his grungy clothes and eyepatch to reveal a tuxedo and a slightly cleaner eyepatch.

"_Oh, look at us now, Mabel._

_They really liked watching us!_

_Now the show's coming back!_

_We'll be airing on Disney XD!"_

Mabel grabbed the now-empty ketchup bottle and used it as a microphone.

"_Brand new shorts like you've never seen before!_

_Then we return this summer!_

_No more delay, no more fuss!"_

Old Man McGuckett broke in and stole the bottle. _"Now everyone will know that my real name is GUS!"_

Soos ran in. _"A brand new short, all about me! Fixing things with my usual glee!"_

Dipper jumped off of the chandelier, where Waddles was sleeping. _"So many mysteries to solve! So many monsters to discover!"_

Robbie shoved him to the ground. _"Hirsch said the teens would get more development! What about me?" _

Pacifica joined him. "_And me, even though I'm not a teen!"_

Wendy teleported in. _"I'm a teen!"_

Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Derland drove their police car through the wall. _"Incompetence and humor! That's why we're on the show!"_

Toby Determined hopped out of the trunk. _"Just like me! Now will you respect me, Shandra?"_

Every citizen of the town ran through the opposite wall, carrying signs of Grunkle Stan with mouse ears. _"By season's end, we respected you, Stan. Now, by the grace of Disney, we will see if that holds true! HAIL MICKEY MOUSE!"_

Gideon desperately tried to grab someone's arm for attention. _"I'm Li'l Gideon! Respect me, RESPECT ME!"_

Everyone left the house and started marching across the town in a single-file line, Quentin Trembly and Manly Dan leading the crowd.

"_Oh, I'm a scary lumberjack!"_

"_And I'm a goofy president!"_

"_We'll most likely never be seen on the show speaking together,"_

"_But that changes now! I WILL MAKE ALL OF YOU MY SECRETARIES OF PUDDING!"_

Bill Cipher popped up, wearing an dignified suit and a grander version of his top hat.

"_One episode more!_

_Another plot, another way to be scary!_

_This never-ending road to clarity!_

_These viewers who want to know_

_am I good or am I evil?"_

Grunkle Stan pulled out a laser beam and blasted him away.

"_One more season for the answers to be revealed!_

_What was I building in the secret room?_

_Could my twin lead you to your doom?"_

Gideon was deposited into a traveling jail cell, next to Head and Chin.

"_One more season for me to plan vengeance!_

_I have an army of willing prisoners!_

_You will be my slaves for life!_

_Mabel, you WILL be my wife!"_

One by one, they all stared straight ahead, as if looking at some kind of invisible camera. Grunkle Stan, Soos, Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, Waddles, Candy, and Greta stood in the middle.

"_One more season for us to shine!_

_Everything's going to be fine,_

_if only we can…"_

"_See Mermando!", "Catch a monster!", "Get some cash!", "Get Wendy back!", "Appoint a cockroach to the Vice Presidency!", "Crush the Pines and all who stand in my way!", "Schme-BU-lock!", "Say 'Dude' more!", "Hit a tree!", "Oink!", "Barf more rainbows!", "Buy some gold!"_

"_One...More…SEASON!"_

_**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this musical fanfiction!**_

_**Appreciate my word choice and skill with diction!**_

_**Read and review, if you please! And, as always, **_

_**have an excellent day, enjoy the breeze!**_

_**(And, yes, I know that when I did try to rhyme**_

_**they were painful to the ear and not at all sublime.)**_

_**I do not own Les Miserables's "One Day More",**_

_**but I do own my bad semi-parody and it's most likely a bore.**_

_**If you liked this, tell me! I may have something planned.**_

_**A big project, the scope is truly grand!**_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This is it, the apocalypse. WHOA OH OH WHOA OH, WHOA OH OH WHOA OH, SERIES FINALE, SERIES FINALE...Welcome to the end...thing. Note to self: Work on parodies. I don't own anything. Read and review, if you please.**

**Gravity Falls: The Soap Opera**

**Chapter 6: "Downer Ending"**

Grunkle Stan raised the sword and stabbed the mertortoise, causing the precious Jewel Of Thievery And Movie Ripoffs to be released. Just then, a boulder rolled down the cave, causing Stan to grab a whip and a fedora and run.

…

Schmebulock laughed madly. Finally, Jeff was dead! He could have the power that he so desperately craved. But, wait….The other gnomes. They looked at him with expressions of fear. No one respected him. He had to be compassionate. With a sigh and a wave of his hand, time was reversed and Jeff was brought back to life. All was well.

…

The alligator broke into Gideon's home. "Hey, listen. I'm sorry for being mean. You just had to test out some stuff. I understand."

Gideon's eyes widened. "Really, Dad?"

The alligator beat Gideon to death with his own cardboard cutout. "NO!"

…

Mabel, Dipper, Soos, Wendy, and Grunkle Stan were dressed in executioner's outfits. Mabel stepped forward. "Are we ready for the accused's final words?" She ripped the tape off of the suspect's mouth.

"**Ow!" **Zach whined. **"Come on, this series was a harmless joke! I just wanted to write something weird."**

Soos shook his head. "Dude, you wrote something awful and destroyed most of our lives. Making up a random ending for Jeff won't solve the trauma. He'll need a whole lot of squirrel baths."

Grunkle Stan blew a horn. Do-DOOOO! Do-DOOOO! Bill Cipher appeared and began to drain the knowledge from Zach's head.

"I hereby drain the fanfiction distractions from your brain! No more one-shots, at least for now! Instead, you will work on your other stories!"

Zach gasped. **"But that would cause this story to end!"**

Bill Cipher nodded. "It is for the best. Now go forth and work!"

Zach disappeared into the growing mist and began to type. The world slowly faded around them, everyone smiling in blissful content. The fake soap opera was over. The multi-chapter universes were about to begin.

**THE END!**


End file.
